Tuesday, August 13, 2013

All they care about, is whether i'm in love with someone

I have a tumblr and there's a feature where people can ask me anonymous questions about my life or anything, really. Over the year and past years as well, one theme seems to come up again and again. Out of everything the world can probe me with, they choose the topic of love/relationships/boys. I got so sick of it because i used to be really, really self conscious about talking on that kind of stuff. Granted, i still HATE being asked about it because admittedly, nothing in that area has ever happened in my life. I feel like this topic deserves a blog post. There are so many awkward silences where i can hear the other person thinking in their heads " What IS the deal with Yalei?".

Let's get the facts straight. I'm 22 and i've never been in a relationship. I've never even had sex before. Yes, i'm a virgin. I'm not ashamed to admit it because i don't really want to have sex. Not out of chastity reasons or wanting to stay pure or whatever, but mainly because I don't want anyone to ever get that close to me. I don't want anyone invading my space like that. Having sex is the closest you can get to someone, physically. That idea just grosses me out. I never want to give myself that fully to anyone. I hate that closeness, that intimacy. I have pretty much zero erotic feelings at all and i don't care if that's strange. In fact, i find sexuality to be off-putting and gelatinous. Sexuality conjures up thoughts of slow motion movement, of gelatinous stuff. Haha, mull on that simile. Hopefully after this post, people will stop wondering so much. But i know that's not gonna happen. Those tumblr questions will now be veering towards other directions that are directly in relation to this : " Why don't you want to have sex?" " Are you a Christian?" " Maybe you're asexual?". Well, maybe i am. I just hate anything sexually charged. I don't ever want to be that person who's sexually aroused. You know why? Because i just know that if i ever felt like that, i'd feel ugly, not in control, and really basic you know. But hey, don't think i think everyone else is like that when they are in the midst of sexual passion. What I am, Who I am and what i feel is a different thing to everyone else in the world and i shed no judgement on anyone else for their preferences. That's their life and i let them lead theirs. So i think they should let me live mine.

It's been so weird over the years. Everyone around me seem to just go out with boys and go dating and that's fine and it's not an issue with them. But i just can't. I've liked boys before, but I just can't do anything about it. I just can't make myself that vulnerable. I have before and boy did that go bad. Thank god that it did though because it's lead me here and i love where i am life-wise so much it's ridiculous. I'm not one of those girls that are all relationship-y. I'm more like that woman who lives in her own home when she's 50, wearing all grey and tending to a green house in the backyard. Most women cringe and say their hail marys at the thought of being a spinster. I know society tells me only ugly, saddo women become spinsters. But i don't believe that. They are just women who were unlucky in love and couldn't get out of that rut for whatever reason. If i'm that woman, then that's OK. I've never chased after boys and i never, ever will. Maybe one day, things will be different. But for now, i'm content and satisfied where i am and i have no intentions for chatting up any young gents at all.

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Thanks so much for reading!