What happened to me? I used to think about things I used to have heaps of thoughts and ideas about the world, about myself, about others. These days, i don't know where all that inner gusto has gone. To be honest, i don't really care. When you have less inner ' fire ' ( i know that sounds so funny but whatever, it's actually the quickest way to get to the point ) life is SO easy to lead. Life used to be so tumultuous and emotionally charged because those were the sorts of traits that defined me. Now? I'm like a calm ocean ( haha, another lame metaphor ). You know what's weird, is that i never thought that i'd be the person that i am right now, today. I used to be so full of emotions and feelings. Life was such a drama. It was tiring to live. Maybe this is growing up. In fact, i think this is what growing up is about. Making peace and finding calm with everything. You no longer struggle and make deals with the world. You're not all " If i do this, then this HAS to happen otherwise...". That was the hardest part of being younger. Making deals with the world constantly. If it didn't happen my way? The next week would see me crying in bed or whining to whoever would listen. I can't think of a worse way to live. Completely hinged and attached to emotions and feelings to either my own, or to other peoples in relation to me.
I've learnt that i don't like too much happening in my life. I mean, i like events and things to go to, people to see and that sort of thing. What i mean is things happening in the mind. I've always been such a heavily emotional and self reflective person. These days, miraculously, that whole hefty emotional side to me is gone. I'm not emotional about anything anymore. I just can't afford to expel that much energy. Of course, i'll never forget what it was like to be so passionate and emotional like how i used to be. When things were beautiful, you felt like crying. When things were bad? You couldn't be dragged out of bed for days. It's that dramatic and intense. The way i see other people who are emotional now, is a feeling of nostalgia. I look to them like how an aged hippie would look to younger hippies. I'd just be thinking, " I totally remember when i was like that". I never want to go back though. It's not a nostalgia that's tinged with longing. It's simply nostalgia. There's nothing inside of me that longs to experience highs or lows. I want life to be a straight line. Temperate, stable and secure. My life is very solitary. This is the kind of life that i lead and that i prefer. One that is totally solo. I earn my own living, i live alone, i buy what i want, what i need and i leave whenever i want to. This sort of freedom cannot be granted to you if you make too many attachments and there's nothing that is less desirable to me than being tied down to commitments that aren't about me or for me. I know that sounds horribly conceited and it is, but i'm a loner, a solo flier and i always will be. It's always gonna be me watching Seinfeld, eating a whole block of Snack chocolate and online shopping alone in my apartment. This is bliss for me. This is bliss for a lot of people, believe it or not. You know, i'm going to make a confession. I used to be obsessed with being somebody. A famous person. Someone who people looked up to and knew. But now? I couldn't care less. All that matters to me is being able to be financially secure, to go shopping for nice treats for myself and to be able to fall asleep before 12 and be able to get up by 8. Simple life or what?
I miss you
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