When all's well

I always go on about how 'crazy' or 'impulsive' I used to be. How eventful and full of drama my old life was. Well, it was. Compared to now anyway. The thing I was thinking about yesterday at work was, maybe it's getting a bit TOO comfortable now. My life has settled into this cadence where everything is comfortable, content and calm. The three big C's. I've been craving for it since i was a teenager, to live in this kind of calm and collected life. And now? Well i wouldn't say that i was bored of it, but i'd definitely say that i'm sort of waiting for something new to come around the corner. But that's just the thing, when you wait around for that ' thing' to come around the corner, they never do. I've learnt one thing from my short life so far that things don't come when you want it. They only come when you don't care.

I didn't get that ball busting career that i've always dreamed about. But i did get something else that i sort of wanted just as much. Calmness and acceptance of myself. It's almost impossible to conceive the fact that one day, we settle with who we are as people and actually feel happy with what we've got. For our entire adolescence, we are in a war between ourselves. Between who we are and what we want to be and it really gutted me that i wasn't the person that i desired to be. Even today as an older, more experienced young adult there are insecurities that tug at the corners of my mind. Insecurities that are literally as old as myself, all i can say to myself is, " Why is this such a perennial problem?". I know that we all change and that that's inevitable. But it's not farfetched to lay the claim down that SOME PROBLEMS NEVER CHANGE. Some of us struggle to deal with the same issues again and again in our lives and this is fascinating. I'm proud and lucky to be able to say that most of my issues have been unknotted and cast away into the past. But if they had a smell, their scent lingers sometimes still. Sometimes i wonder to myself,  " Is this maturity?". Where i stand now as a person, being able to admit and to feel a sense of contentment and acceptance of who i am. Of all my flaws and shortcomings. Accepting doesn't mean that you stop feeling embarrassed about them, but you know that these traits or elements of yourself are a part of your constitution and you can't really rid of them. And if you could? It'd be hard.