What I Truly Want

All I do is think about what i want haha!

 I truly want things to be consistent and never really change. To be predictable and even ended and for nothing to ever rush up on me or to surprise me. I used to love the possibility of what lies ahead and i used to even like the dramaticism of how things can quickly change for me but i really dread that now. I literally dread it. I just truly want things to be calm. I love calmness. I like calm colors, calm people, calm places and calm moods. Actually, scratch calm people there only are a few calm people i can handle in reality. Most of them puzzle me or ironically, unsettle me.

I have written two posts about the year ending. One was back in September. I think this is just one of those things you blog about more than once because it's hard to fully digest. The year is ending, the year is actually fucking ending. What a fast year. A fast, up and down, moody year. I don't do Christmas which is kind of sad. I feel embarrassed when i admit it to people and i feel even more embarrassed when i see families laughing and having a great time either on TV or just KNOWING that they did when i talk to people in real life. I feel embarrassed because i feel like i should be doing that too and that i should have that as well. But i don't. If i ever have a family in my life, i'm going to make Christmas a big event. I promise that, it has to happen it's such a nice thing to do.

Who knew that my apartment which was the center of my world and of my livelihood has become the most toxic place on earth? I feel embarrassed that it has turned into such an un-livable place ever since those awful people moved up above me. I feel embarrassed. I know i don't have to and that it's silly for me to but i literally feel embarrassed. There is such a tacit requirement for everyone to have their shit together ALL the time. It's so stupid. No one can do that. Can they? Truth be told, i think some people do have everything. Either that or they are incredibly skilful at hiding their downfalls.