Yalei Wang

A writer? OK....

It's becoming SO tiring being able to detect the look of, " Uh-huh, like THAT'S something you can do with your life" look that people give me when i tell them what i do. There's what we do for money and then there's what we 'do' as people. I work at a call center. That's what i do for money. And then there's me as a writer. That's what i do for 'life'. But money is worth more than basically everything these days. Even the things we used to think were beyond money. Pride, Dignity, Self-respect, Self-anything really. If you promise someone money and fame, i'm sure they'll take the money and run as opposed to sit down with the thought of what they're really amounting themselves to. Everyone is hampering on about how being in your 20's is fun and a time to experiment. But i feel like it's time to make some decisions about what you're actually going to do with your life. I know this much is true. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE BUT WRITE. And that's both a really good thing and a really, really bad thing. It's good because if i were to be given the chance to go commercial somehow, then i'd excel at it. The thought of book tours, book signings, promoting myself and being the REALEST REAL writer you can be, sounds like heaven. The bad thing is... i'm on my ass until i get that break. Life is just a big waiting room where we're all waiting to be taken into the doctors office. When we go into the doctors office, the doctor gives us a lollypop instead of an injection and smiles at us, " Hey Marty, it's your lucky day". I mean, i do things to forward my career as a writer. But it's up to the cosmos ( yeah, i just used that word ) as to whether we rise or stay stagnant. 

It's always been that extreme with me and my life. Psychologists tell me, " Yalei, the world is not black and white". But to me, it's always been black and white. You either succeed or you fail. You have 'it' or you don't. You're hot or you're not. Sometimes, i feel the grey. But the grey is meaningless, i never want to be a failure. I want to succeed. But not having any skills besides writing? It scares me. It scares me that potentially, i'm still going to be living at my parents house when i'm nearing 30, day-dreaming about that time when i was 23 living in my own apartment with two incomes. It scares and angers me that people who've never been to uni get book deals ( because it doesn't matter whether you have a writing degree or not, it's about whether the book sells ), it scares me that people think i'm a drop kick and an idiot because i say i'm a writer. Actually, i don't know about that. Most writers are really intelligent. But penniless. They way i see it is this. The world is your market place and you have to be tough. Through all kinds of challenges, you need to trawl through it. And never expect a reward or anything back. The fact that you trawl through it, is your reward.  I hope you guys don't think i'm bitter towards other writers. No way. I feel like we're all going through the same shit secretly ( Except for James Franco.... have you seen his instagram? ) but we're just not letting anyone in about it. I look at other writers and i kind of think, " I know what you're going through secretly". Even if they're not even going through anything shit and their lives are kind of great, i'm still like, " Man, i know what it's like".