Full Stop

I keep thinking that, " things are it ". A long time ago, an old friend said to me that, " Things were not stuck ". I had and still have a notion that things are ' stuck '. I never accept the fact that life is transient, meaning all things move on and change and alter and whatnot.
I really question myself as to why this is so. We all know that life is always in a process of evolving whether we're a part of the process or not. Some days, you wake up feeling OK and then for no reason you wake up feeling completely different the next. I have a big problem with the fact that emotions are just chemicals that interact each other sometimes at their own whim and desire. I want to be able to control all aspects of my brain and my mind. To think that my mind has a mind of its own, is horribly disturbing to me.

I have gone through so many phases to do with myself, my clothes, my tastes in regards to friendships and people in general. But at every time, i truly believe that it can't be changed, that that possibility is well... impossible. I never understood how people could be so open-minded about change and the fact that it's imminent. I think that this is sensible and truly something that i wish i could adopt, but for some reason i never can see beyond 'now' ( but i can't live in the present, more on that in literally a paragraph ) Every single thing that i've ever said that would never change, has changed for me. But right now, there are still thoughts about life and myself that i believe will never change. How stupid, right? A lot of my shrinks have this obsession with ' mindfulness '. It's this sort of thinking where we live in the present and shrink our mind passageways into simply focusing on the here and now. I remember one time i had to do this in therapy and i got so frustrated that i almost yelled to my therapist that this was impossible and that i wasn't doing it anymore because i felt stupid.
Try Googling it and familiarizing yourself with mindfulness. I guarantee you, it's a massive challenge.

I've always said that i've seen my life like a full stop. I've basically lived my life like a full stop. Every action and every thing i say, every thing i do is basically ' it '. If i choose to do something, that's the beginning and end of all that that is.  I am a full stop. There is no 'moving' beyond what is now, all that i am is all that i'll ever be ( As i always naively believe ).
But my mind is never on the present. If i'm thinking about my life and what's going on in it, especially towards matters like what i want for my life - i'm often in the future. I do look at the past a lot as well. I don't envision things that could've changed but i DO wish that i could transport the knowledge and understanding that i have now as a 23 year old back to when i was a teen. I literally think one of the hardest things for me, is living in the here and now. I'm always taking action to make sure the next week, month or year will have good consequences. Sounds sensible because it is, but all because one takes the necessary actions to ensure the future is positive doesn't make it so.

Where does this lead me? Between a rock and a hard place. My biggest problem with life is that there are no guarantees. I feel like life is so much work for so little in return. And the worst part of it is? If you don't keep trying, working, inputting you basically get nowhere. So you have to keep doing the hard yards for no guarantees that the world will 'give back'. I mean, it puts me in this huge philosophical dilemma ( the worst kinds of dilemmas ). I wish i could retract how far my mind has ventured into this topic. The more we think, the less we do. The less we do, the more DEAD we are. I've always had so much envy for people who did more than they thought.
Because actions end and even though we remember actions,  if we aren't so caught up in our thoughts then we can accomplish more my doing more. You can't do this if you're stuck in your own mind all the time like i am.