Yalei Wang

Some kind of Fascination 

Last nights thought, i think #5

When i get infatuated with a person, only one thing can happen. I need to tell them that they are amazing to me. Amazing, i mean it can mean a myriad of things. I can fall in love with them, I can see them as someone unreal - like a character, I can get whipped up into their narrative, life, outlook. And it happens quite instantaneously. Last night, i told one of these people that i've been fascinated with for a while that i was going to write a story about them. I asked them if they wanted a pseudonym which they said yes to. They also told me that the whole thing was 'creepy'. It kind of is, but he doesn't know that i don't give a shit about 90% of people and that 10% are interred into my tomb of rememberance forever. Forever. You don't forget some people because they are truly exceptional. And i'm egotistical, i don't like to go out of my way to be polite to people who i don't think deserve it. But for these people, and god they are so few, i look towards them with not only idolization but also with a sense that because of how much i see them in this rapturous virgin mary like way, I could never have a proper friendship with them. Forever, they will be admired by me from a distance. Their movements, their mannerisms. I am hypnotized and mesmerised by the fact of their existence. And it gives me so much material to work with in terms of writing, which is excellent for me.

I'm not naming who this person is, but as a creep of my kind i am always observing. Most people, i swear to god are the same. And it bores me to tears. I don't even give them the time of day. I do all the niceties, i say thanks, i say goodbye, i say i wish you well but then i forget them. But some people have stopped me in my tracks and whooshed me onto the pavement with their aura. And in such a freaky way, i become a disciple to their 'vibe' to their ' energy' and to their ' identity'. I know all of this sounds fucked up, but remember - it never happens. I don't fall in love because i don't like the idea of giving up myself to anyone. I belong to me and nobody else. I am my own person and i own every single feeling that i have and if you want to leave me, then do it because I don't care. But with these people? These people that have this source of energy around them, i do care when they say mean things to me. When they treat me like a purchase over the counter. Rudimentary and quotidian. And that's life you know? These people who we idolize behind our bedroom doors. They are out of our reach. And if you ever get to reach their inner sanctum of who they actually are - the whole spell is broken. They are now a normal person. Let them be a myth to me forever. I think i prefer that even if my heart wants to get close to them.

You know, it's not even about fucking. Because i develop bonds with women as well. The only way i can describe it is, when i see these people, meet these people, if i'm lucky... engage in conversation with these people - i feel like i'm tapping into this world that is beyond ours. And it's addictive. These people never come along and they are so hard to get to. They know their power and they have fun abusing that power. I'm a person that doesn't fall in love, but falls in love in non intimate way with character. I love people with character. I love people who have been ravaged by life, i love people who have had experiences, i love people who are so weird they belong in a film, i love people who are witty, sassy, and have an attitude. I love people who are so in-human they are like droids. I love icy people, people who don't even look at you. I don't even get offended, i watch them like theatre.