There is something very strange about me. I cannot comprehend ' loving ' another person. In waves, people will lament for me about the true loss that that is. How loving is the most amazing thing in life and how it is, basically ALL that there is to life. I love my parents and i love my best friend. But there's something that's omnipresent in my psyche at all times. You're all human and you're all liable to change your mind at any time and leave me. But guess what? That's OK with me because i'm prepared for it.
When i see couples on the train, fondling each other's hair, kissing and generally PDA'ing, i get grossed out. But i also understand that they are in their own membrane of ignorance that is both pink and warm. No one can enter their sanctum of love. It's a private story shared between the two. Perhaps i am partly sociopathic, but i feel like love is a blind leap of faith. Because even though we can get to know a person so well and so intimately, they are ultimately a person who is not us. They are a separate entity away from our bodies - in the chemical chaos of their minds and the rush of the daily grind, we are affected subconsciously and insidiously. It's beyond our control how much we can change without this being something we are aware of. Women fear being ' old maids '. But i'm not one of them. What i fear more than that are things like failure, defeat, shame. Things that happen inside of me. Not outside of me. Women who are afraid of being old maids are afraid of that because they get scared other women will whisper to the ear of another woman that ... they're an old maid. It's a social thing and i don't blame them at all for being afraid of it. Labels are as powerful as the truth and it looks to stay that way for all time. I know that i'm probably going to be an old maid one day. My mother wants grandchildren. Like any mother, she wants her daughter to just be normal, you know? Have the little kids toddle around on the carpet playing with trucks and asking grandma if there are any cookies. But that's not going to happen for me.
I feel like i've made myself vulnerable to the point of destruction ( this is SO funny, i said i'd make my posts less dark but i can't. This is the truth of myself and my writing and if i get no comments i don't care ). People who make themselves vulnerable, are amazing for that second that they make that leap of danger. I love people who do that. I've done it my whole life. But the reason that i can't love is because once you love, you are attached, you are enslaved, you are in debt and you are in possession. And although some people would say, " You're just bitter ", i'm not. I know that you are all those things i've just delineated above, but you've given permission for those things to happen out of the blindness of love. Love all you want. It is good. It's good for the world. It's the oracle of life and it's what keeps businesses running. But don't expect me to love you. It's just too much of a risk and too much of a challenge.
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Thanks so much for reading!