Yalei Wang

I shouldn't of had caffeine last night at work. Two cups of steaming black coffee. I've missed it dearly eversince the onset of mild panic attacks after drinking it. Last night, i was feeling risky so i vowed that i wouldn't care if i got panicky and downed two cups full. It was silly of me because even though it improved my work productivity, i was left sleepless after two great days of healthy Circadian rhythm. It was a relief when i felt naturally awake at my usual time of 9.00.
It's my third day out of Linwood and i have to say i feel better and better each day about not being back there. Initially, all i wanted to do was to be back in the comfort of life being put on hold, but i know that it's a farce to live life like that. Behind some kind of comfort veil. I feel like what's changed most about myself is my self-perception. I am no longer as self deprecating as i used to be. If i missed an opportunity to excel or to advance further in my career, it is only pinpricks rather than daggers like it used to be. I used to be like a scrunched up fist. Everyday was the biggest struggle to win that i forgot how to live. In rehab, one of the girls there said that god wasn't necessarily about religion. It stands for Good, orderly, direction. Good orderly direction is what i aim for now rather than prizes, jobs and getting published. Those things will always be important because apart from the ego boost, they are necessary for me as a writer but i have to start learning how to live simply again. Living in in my own apartment last year was all about simplicity and it was one of the best years of my life. Ever since i moved back to my parents house, i have been my own worst enemy.
I put immense pressure on myself to achieve what i wanted to achieve. It sounds like i was just ambitious ( which i was ) but i didn't have a healthy way of dealing with failure or rejection. That failure or rejection was always personal. Now, my care for those sorts of things have greatly diminished. I don't know how long this will last, but i like it. I like being calm and less agitated. I like not struggling with myself and with life. I have to accept that simply being alive is something to feel grateful for.