Addictions

Addicted to selfies?

I always know when i'm about to be addicted to something. I say to myself in my head, " This is the moment when i cannot turn back ". Addiction is fascinating. I don't just mean with the usual suspects like drugs and alcohol but i mean with other things too. In fact, i don't think the means of addiction is interesting. Addiction, the experience is what interests me most. For me, the things that i am most addicted to are money and alcohol. Sounds super sleazy right? Well that's the thing, most of the things we are addicted to are nasty, sleazy things. There are some people who are addicted to ' good ' things like exercise and charity work maybe... but i am not so sure i'd believe them if they claim to want to do those things instead of eating junk food in front of their favorite tv show or buying new furniture for their apartment.

For me, it's all about being high. I love to be high. Being high in life whether synthetic or natural is what i live for. I live for laughter, beautiful colors, good conversations, private moments of bliss that we don't share with anyone else. A love of the high is damaging though because even though we can live our lives with a reasonable amount of stability, once an opportunity to get high peeps through, we lunge at it with no thought to consequences at all. Synthetic highs feel the same as organic ones. I feel the same anyway. There is a rushing in my chest, my heart starts to beat fast, my mind is light and airy and i feel like i'm about to faint with pleasure. These days, seeing as i have so little people in my life, a lot of my release comes from substances. It's not something that i'm proud of but it's something that i think about everyday. I can't believe how far i have come in terms of taking and drinking things. It's gotten to the point where i don't even care that it's a sad thing to do alone because i am so in love and attached to the rush of hooks unlatching in my mind. I don't know if i could ever have a 'normal' life being the person that i am and having the temperament that i do. I read this quote by Marina Abramovich :

"Lots of loneliness, my dear. if you’re a woman, it’s almost impossible to establish a relationship. You’re too much for everybody. It’s too much. the woman always has to play this role of being fragile and dependent. and if you’re not, they’re fascinated by you, but only for a little while. and then they want to change you and crush you. and then they leave. so, lots of lonely hotel rooms, my dear.”

Loneliness has been my condition since a child and i guess that's the way it's always going to be. I feel like my life and my mind is a bottomless pit where i have let people try to reach down with their arms, but none of their arms are ever long enough. I think there are universes inside all of us and if we just stop and explore them once a while and go that extra mile, we will wake up to the fact that even though we need others, if we have ourselves then we can conquer anything. My addictions will remain the same for my whole life, i feel. There's nothing that can compare with buying a beautiful dress, slipping into warm drunkenness or slowly dissolving into the groggyness of sleep. It's got me by my heart and my head. Usually people can only occupy one.