Yalei Wang

One by one, those around me are dropping out of my life like flies in rigor mortis. My parents say that it's my fault because i am socially unsound. The world also says that it's my fault because i am far too brash with my decisions, continuously impetuous with my emotions to the point of irresponsibility in how i react to the people who stir me. My best friend and I are on hiatus, an old friend of mine are no longer speaking because i got angry at her over the phone and there's not one single person left from my past. Everyone who i would talk to now is new or somewhat new because we have only ever known each other from the surface.

I 'm glad because this is not affecting me as much as i thought it would. The most banal things keep me alive and they have nothing to do with people. I have learnt that everybody is the same. In the core of every single human being lies the same needs and same desires. A part of me feels psychopathic because i know the formula and the solution. To win love, to inspire warmth and to forge friendships. When you see it like i do, in its stupid simplicity, you feel like you can make friends everywhere, you can fool people into doing what you want and then you can quietly slip out of their lives unscathed. I will never cease to be amazed at this change that i have gone through within the last five years. There were days when i would sit and observe my mind and i swear to god i could feel the gears slowly change. I was conscious and feeling of all that was changing. I am a product of those changes here today. I don't feel bound to anybody, to any responsibility or to anything at all.

Emotions are chains that bind you to slavery. To other people and to their whims because you rely on them to validate you. When i was younger and full of feelings and desires, i was controlled by other peoples reactions, facial expressions and words. Now, i feel free and light as air, almost as if i were air itself. Effervescent and vague. Two beautiful qualities that everyone who i've ever wanted to be has possessed. Independence has saved me from the worst of myself. I have always been a person of extremes. Before it was all and now there is nothing. I like nothingness better. I like the cleanliness and the freedom of nothingness.