NY state of Mind

Today, mum and i are going to the travel agency to book my flights to New York. I'm a bit weirded out by it but if she decides to back out of it, i'd be totally mad because even though i feel strange about the experience, i'm dying to get out of Melbourne. I haven't even been to New York yet and i'm already thinking of the next places that i want to go. And i have to admit, this is all escapism talking. A long time ago, i wrote an entry about people who always go traveling and how i think that they just don't know what they want to do with their lives. I also said that if they could make their lives good at home, they'd never want to travel. I'm one of those people now where life feels so listless and bland at home and i'm searching for something more, somewhere far, far away. Home has become stagnant and doesn't offer me anything new at all. My desire to move overseas grows by the day and my fears for it is diminishing slowly. I look towards moving overseas as a BIG move, much bigger than a move back to my parents house from my snug apartment but big voids need big fillers. 

I feel like my heart is becoming more and more nomadic. I don't feel obliged or committed to anyone or anything and i feel like acquaintances and fellowships can be made no matter where you go. Of course, no one can replace someone else. One person is that person forever. But these days, i am not that much of a person who falls in love or develops bonds or seeks companionship. Whereas those sorts of things used to validate me and give me purpose and fulfillment, what gives me these things is much, much vaguer now. I sound like a cold fish and i don't blame you for thinking that. It's because i am now. I guess the same things can happen to different people and each person will internalise and process it differently. The things that i've been through in my life are not more traumatic or ' important ' than what other people have gone through. But they've affected me in a way that to me is quite irreversible. My experiences are permanent and they've shaped me into the person who i am today.

What i seek from New York is one, escapism, two novelty and three insight. I've seen images of New York throughout my whole life in movies, in tv shows, in books. I've never stopped to think that New York is a place that is as real and moving as Melbourne. To me, it's always had an air of fiction about it. Being independent will help me on my trip. My only real concern is getting lost but because it's an English speaking city, help is sort of always at hand.