Different Kinds of Sadness

Life's cure to Sadness. A Dirty Martini.

The shit thing about life is that it never gets any easier. We just know who we are more and what we want more. Sadness still lingers and so does our hardships. Of course, we've got the nice things too. But who can ever remember those 'good' things as easily as the bad? I don't want to be a downer but it's come to my attention that sadness takes on new forms and shapes as we grow older. When i was a teenager, the sadness was angsty and urgent. It was a lot more dramatic. There was so much more 'wondering' and 'hoping' going on back then. As a young twenty something, the angst turns into 'coping'. Not getting along but 'coping'. Being able to take it and go to bed at night at a reasonable hour albeit without ease or a positive attitude. My worries are no longer about ' the future ' but to the ' now '. As a teenager, we are worried about who we are to be. In your twenties, you worry about who you 'are'.

I have always felt like life's main disposition is to be tough. If life were a machine, the person or ' god ' who programmed it, turned the knob to " hard life " on purpose as a social experiment to see how the world would turn out. Some people are naturally positive and i have NOTHING against these people as many would be surprised to find out. People seem to think i am some kind of hater against positive people. No, i just don't understand them. In the back of my mind, i even doubt them just like i doubt portly women who say they love their curves then goes on a diet behind everyone's backs. It's OK to admit that life is hard. It is so much harder to remain positive than to just give in and cry. There is a nobility to remaining positive and keeping a smile on your face but HOW much do you really believe in what you are representing? I guess i've been a pessimist to a realist my entire life. During my moments of positivity, in retrospect i was just being delusional. And isn't happiness just that? A big, beautiful delusional dream?

I haven't even gotten half way through, but THIS is Murakami's best work to date!

I am not sad at present although i have been for pretty much my entire life. But i've realised that sadness never leaves but only shifts forms. It's fat one day and then skinny the next. One day it sports leggings and then the next it's into dungarees. No matter what fit or form, it stays with us. I would have to say hands down that the sadness you experience in your teens is the most intense. That's just pure 'feeling'. In my twenties, it's not as much about feeling as accepting, which is in a sense less painful but a lot more difficult. I am not crying or carrying on but there's this heaviness that oozes off my shoulders and it smells like, " This is your life, welcome ". I'm not naive and i know that life does change and all that ooze will probably lift off my shoulders some day. But for now, the ooze is there.