Gripes i have with my Psychologists

Ever since i was a kid i knew that i was different. I know everyone has the right to say that which therefore defeats its power, but i really was different. Today, although i am a 'normal' person, there have been times when i've been so sure that i've trespassed into areas of thought and feeling that are just far too intense to be normal. I've had therapy since i was 16 and have left every single one of them more disappointed and gutted than the last. Is there no help in the world for people like me who are looking for some moments of respite? A year older and i know that problems are not solved but managed for the most part in reality. Solved is such an absolution and in retrospect, i think i may have sought for something a tad too ambitious from my therapists. The first therapist i ever had was " Donna ". She was a 'transpersonal' psychologist, whatever that is. She was really new agey which i wasn't into. She never really got to the point of things and had this really irritating way of slowly nodding which convinced me she didn't really follow anything i was saying. My second psychologist the name i forgot but she basically said that i'd get over my troubles when i grew up. I think this is a really cheap way of making someone feel better. But it does work, so it gets re-used as a tactic. I never got 'over' the issues that troubled me in my teens. I just got wiser and accepted that they were things i have to live with probably for the rest of my life.

Some problems did go away, but there are still some things that haven't changed at all. My latest psychiatrist i quit after i came home from Linwood. I think by far she was the worst. I don't know what my GP was thinking when he smugly said to me, " I've got JUST the person for you " because this was a truly mindless match. In therapy, i take advantage of my therapists attention which means i can get quite theatrical. Tears come, voices rise and sometimes i even start to shake out of anxiety or anger. Most of my psychologists have been good at dealing with this but my latest psych couldn't. A look of panic and alarm would be on her face every time i headed into the office. She would literally sit there and look afraid. She even wrote me a prescription for three Valiums.... A DAY. I never took that many but to me, three is a lot especially coming from a clinician. I mean, they really hate giving out that stuff to people. Sometimes i look inside myself and feel like i need a therapist again. But the search for that one that ' fits ' me is one that i am not longer going to chase. I don't think there's anyone that can help me, i think the only person that i can help is myself. I can't believe how naive i was in my younger years to think that these therapists would reach out to me and genuinely want to help me on a personal level. This is just their job and you are just a number. Donna forgot who i was after two weeks of not seeing her. I had to explain to her what i looked like and even then she was like, " Sorry, who are you?".

Guys, i seriously needed your help. Donna, Christine, Leah. You've all passed me on like bad bread as my best friend said years and years ago. I guess in a way, i'm thankful. But in possibly even more ways i am so fucking pissed off at how shit you guys were. I know i was an idealistic teen but now as a twenty something with a very grim and realistic view of the world, i think you guys still didn't do your job. Perhaps you were too kind to tell me that i was beyond help? I wish you'd have told me, i would've saved a lot of coin.