Yalei Wang

Life right now is a blur of days wielding together. Everyday is the same. Friends are distant because they have full time jobs, boyfriends and projects. I am not quite as occupied as they are because chance has not come to pick me up. Nothing feels as worthy as it should be. I’ve reached a point where nothing fazes me. Success or failure seem to be different versions of each other, novelty wears thin and life is predictable and banal.

Is this Jadedness? Is this what it means to be a grown up? Having experienced so much that you’re always prepared, never surprised and living on a straight line? monotony feels just as deadly as depression. Monotony feels just as dead end as sadness and hopelessness. How long will my life be like this? How long before that catalyst comes and changes it all? In the deepest pit of my soul, I feel numbness and apathy. Do you remember when life was so intense your brain felt like it was on fire? What about when every corner turned was something life affirming? When happiness was joy that split the earth in two and sadness was so present there was nowhere to hide from it?

Now all there is is friendships dissolving, job searching, reality sinking in and thirst for escapism. The pressure is on to prove yourself and even though you have been responsible and do all you should be doing to ‘be’ an adult, you don’t get that job, chance or opportunity. You’d give anything to slot into the normality group. The people who are so average and everyday you don’t even notice them. They have average problems, average incomes and average hopes.
Yours are anything but.