The Best thing Ever

I can confidently say that i've gotten over the one affliction that has plagued me for basically my entire life. The world's approval. I wanted everyone to think i was cool, that i was someone to want to know, to want to impress and needed. It sounds needy and desperate but this has been the undertone for all of my adolesence and partially some of my 20's too. It's slavery. That's all it is and i'm so glad that i'm out of that acid pit. In the midst of all that emotional gunk, i would say to myself, " I wish i didn't care, i just wish i didn't care about anything ". And finally, fucking finally I AM HERE.

It's so cliched but the only way to ever become severed from that oblivion of feeling is to lose your heart too many times to count. I could write about this for days ( but i won't to save you the pain of reading it if it's shit to you ). I could write forever and ever about how someone like me turned from the lapdog that needed the worlds love and approval into the person who steps over the corpse in the hallway, lighting a cigarette. It's utter freedom to be severed from your feelings. Of course, i cannot be absolutely severed from them. But i am to an excellent point where all i ever need is myself and all i want to do is to teach others how to reach this point where i'm at. If i can do it, believe me so can you.

This feeling is better than any high. 

There was no one as pathetic as i was in my teens and in my early twenties. And now, i'm like those starfish that grows back arms. You can cut off my arm and i'll just grow a new one back. That's the crux of it all. I do certainly feel indestructible. But it all came at a price. You basically have to throw your heart out like rice confetti. You do it over and over again until you have nothing left to throw. You've got nothing but a blank hole where your heart was. You fill it up with base pleasures that fulfill you for a while but then are worthless. So you turn to the next thing, yourself. Your own hopes, dreams, ambitions, pleasure and novelty. People are great, don't get me wrong i love to socialize and to laugh and to spend time amongst others. The only thing, is that if all of you leave me one day, i know i can survive. And find a whole new host of people again.