Sorry for the total neglect of this blog. I'm gonna be straight ( as I always am, haha ) i haven't been writing because i haven't had anything real to say and also because i've been sort of sad again. I swear to god, i get so worried that people shy away from the blog because of how grey and sad the content is. To be honest, i can't write happy content. It's boring and people can't relate to it as much. I know it's my blog but i get worried that people will come on here and roll their eyes saying, " Oh god, can someone get this girl a fucking Prozac?".
Anyway, the reasons which make me feel gloomy follow :
- My inability to get full time work
- Having to continue writing applications even though i know noone will care or read it
- Waking up and having to hear everyone talk about their great achievements or their new jobs
- Knowing that I have so much to offer and no one gives a shit
I've decided to not get involved in discussions about work and employment because it makes my blood boil. I know that's so psycho of me but i seriously can't be happy for other people when i've been buckling down so hard and nothing's been working out at all. It doesn't mean i hate these people who are getting ahead, what's the point? Their success should be enjoyed by them and they should be able to excel but i just don't want to hear about it when i am so bogged down by how hard i have to try and how there's no guarantees in life at all. I don't hate these people who are getting ahead, i hate the mystery of life which gives us no explanation to why things have to be the way they are. I hate how we have to take it, swallow it and keep plundering on no matter what happens. Most of all, i hate how i have to keep job seeking even though i feel like there's no point in doing anything because acts of genuine reach are not appreciated. We all want some of that cheap, fast, immediate gratification.
I don't care anymore about the trivial things in life. Shopping, parties, drinking. I just want to work and to work for a company that needs me. It's the only way i can live alone again, be truly independent again, get away from this crippling self doubt and useless introspection. I love the place i work because the people there are so real and so easy going and so great. But the work doesn't let me grow and doesn't foster my need to excel and to demonstrate my skills. I've been there for so long, i got the job when i was like 19 and now it's truly time for me to move on but i just can't! I can't believe how badly i want to work and you know what's so evil is the fact that when you want something so badly in life, the less likely you'll get it. Once you don't care anymore, it tugs at your sleeve asking to be taken advantage of. There is absolutely nothing that i can do to alleviate my situation as it is up to the wider world to pull me out of the quicksand that i am in. Some days are easier than others, for sure. But for the most part, i am just waiting for that chance to show the world what i have.
Yalei, I have been following your blog(s) for at least 2 years now. Every morning I load up your page hoping to find a new post to start my day. You have a talent and a voice that speaks so clearly to me and i'm sure to others as well. I know that this is part of your struggle though, knowing how capable you are but feeling like you can't show or prove it to anyone. Well you may not have a typical job but you show me and your blog keeps me sane. Part of me also feels like you can't compare yourself to others (I know ~ so obvious) but you're a creative person which separates you from being typical so your path is never going to be mapped out and there is nothing wrong with that. You have to focus on your path and trust that it is taking you somewhere. Sometimes we get so focused on the destination that we forget about the journey and it's only when you arrive there that you can look back, connect the dots and make sense of it all.
ReplyDeleteSuccess is very subjective, we all have different ideas of personal success and set ourselves certain benchmarks. I have felt your pain all to well and only recently have I received what I thought would make me happy - a full time design job in NYC (yes i'm the same anon who struggled in melbourne and then moved to NYC). My idea of a full time job was so different to what it actually is. I thought everyone would love their jobs, work really hard, never slack off and constantly try to better themselves but the bullshit office politics are still there, communication is low, people fuck around and most of the time I feel like my studio needs a complete overhaul but i'm not about to be the first junior designer to tell them. It's really hard and I know you're probably like shut the fuck up you have a job but I guess i'm trying to give you my insight and it's not all it's cracked up to be. I feel like life is one big show and we're constantly trying to find things/do things that make us look better. I find that especially in NY, I might come across as jaded, don't get me wrong I love it here but i'm always finding out that everyone struggles - we cut and edit what we want to show to the world and most of the time we're world class directors and our movies look fucking great but it's often far from the truth.
My advice is to keep writing, keep doing what you do best, you are noticed and I know that is hard to believe sometimes but you are. Also I've said this before but part of the problem is Melbourne and the lack of opportunity there for young creatives. My most direct advice would be - move to NYC. It might seem hard but there is always a way and you will never regret it.
I can't even begin to tell you how much this means to me. Whoever you are, thank you SO SO much! <3
Delete