Indulgence ( Part 1 )

There is a reason why i always give into indulgence. Because I know that if I don't, then i'll lay in bed all night wondering what i must've missed out on. The FOMO is gnawing and unrelenting. I don't know if i'm just obsessive or if we're all the same when we are in that position. It seems as if our imaginations have been fuelled up to the brim. We tap into our imaginations everyday but when we imagine what we could've potentially missed out on, that imagination has more strength and potency than we could ever muster sober and stable. It's like an umbilical chord that chokes us tighter and tighter, torturing us with images of what was on the other side.

I've always talked about indulgence. It's a big theme in my writing because one, i think it is what destroys all of us in the end but even knowing that that is what will maim us, with open eyes we walk the plank anyway. It's sort of like day light suicide. Conscious self destruction. Indulgences come in so many shapes and forms. My three main vices include Alcohol, Money and Fantasy. But it doesn't stop there. There's also pigging out, judging other people and lying. The list basically goes on forever. The fascinating moment for me is when I split into two people when i'm about to take the plunge. I see myself taking out the money for the dress, the Sauv Blanc, the cigarettes i really can't afford or whatever it is. I see myself doing it, even feel my arms digging into my bag and feel like tears are about to spring into my eyes. But because i just want one drop of that sauv or the silk against my skin, I do it anyway knowing the consequences will be another sear mark on my skin. Unable to be removed. Never fading away.

I guess that's what indulgence is. A stamp on your passport of life. It's like history. You flip back on the pages of your mind, soul, life and see big, bold letters. ADULTERY, DRUNKARD, SEDUCTRESS, BITCH, CHEATER, LIAR. You can't rip the pages out either because that's the passport of your life. Try and rip the page out and someone will come across the page on the ground anyway. One of the sayings in my life is that we all feel like we must be repented in someway for being alive. This is why we are so drawn to our indulgences. Being born is a curse in itself and whilst we are alive and breathing, there has to be some way we can smooth a balm over the ridges and friction of being alive.
Somethings really gotta fucking give.

The most tantalizing sounds and sights in the world :

The glug, glug sound of the first glass of wine being poured
The " ACCEPTED " sign on the credit card machine
Slipping into your favorite piece of clothing
Laughing so hard your head spins
Crying so hard you can't breathe

These are indulgences. Particularly the very last one. I feel guilty as a person as well as a writer for so openly glamorizing sadness. I'm not advocating it. But there definitely is glamor in sadness, ennui and in being lost in the black hole of yourself. The reason why we love to wallow is because it is maybe the biggest indulgence of all. To waste so much time and energy on feeling sorry for yourself and blaming the ' outside ' world for casting so much ill on you. You waste time, you make other people feel sad, you stop creating, you are basically a living dead. But you continue because in some sick, twisted and morbid way, it feels good. Sadness really is the biggest indulgence of all.

We can only have a little bit of what's good because too much of what's good is well... just too much. There is no such thing as a pleasure threshold as there is with pain. With pain, we can only take so much. Up to a certain point, we just break. But with pleasure, with indulgence there is no such thing as a limit. It's like a beam of light traveling all the way to the edge of the universe. We can go on that far. We continue to dip our hands in it until we are sucked dry. In the end, it is really our indulgences which maim us and not our hardships. What hurts and what is hard is important because pain is the epicenter of what is real. Pleasure is not real, that's why we are so in love with it. I'm not going to get into the technicalities of what ' Real ' is or not. That's for another blog post. Indulgences, god help us all. They will really destroy us in the end and we'll be destroyed with a smile on our face.