Where you lead, I will follow / Second wave soul searching

This blog's been so rusty these couple of weeks. I think back to days where i would be obsessively updating and flash forward to now. Things certainly do change. I'm not gonna bore you with reasons why i've been avoiding writing. The reasons seldom ever change. Mostly lack of material to delve into, lack of excitement or if i do have things to write about, i am afraid they'll be too sad to explore.

Just today, i was thinking about doing some soul searching. I'm usually the first one to shirk away from these sorts of things but I think the time and place in my life is ripe for a second wave. I've never really done any soul searching per se, so i guess this is the first time i've ever done it. Instinctively, i've always been naturally drawn and passionate to what i've always liked. I know that i've always liked writing, creativity, beauty and novelty and i no doubt will continue to love these things. I search for them everyday in my life. I guess the reason for this second wave is because i am feeling lost. I am feeling a bit estranged from who i used to be and the sort of mentality that used to dominate who i am. I used to be someone who was ambitious, goal orientated and hungry for movement and growth. But i've grown a lot more cynical in recent years. More hard done by life and more hurt by rejection and lost opportunities. There comes a point in everyone's life where you arrive at your last tether and you have no more to give. You have no more to put out. Once you are at that point, you can't help but sit with the thought that maybe it's time to start over.

I'm in such a hurry to ' get it all together ' life wise. I love independence, i love to call the shots for my own life and to control how i live. But you can't do that when you don't have the accouterments of an adult. You know what i'm talking about. I need a full time job so i can have my old life back. My own apartment, my own independence and my own freedom. It seems that all the booty is behind the lock of a job. It seems so simplistic, but money can really be the answer to a lot of life's problems. But i guess my second wave soul search journey is beyond money and material things.
I'm at a stage of life where i've accrued enough experience to be fully prepared for similar situations if they god forbid, arrive again. But i'm also at a loss for what to actually do NOW. I hate this phase that i am in at the moment. If last year was nothing but pain and suffering and torment, this year ( I know we've only three weeks in almost, but bear with me ) is all about " WHERE TO NEXT? " " WHERE IS THE NEXT DESTINATION? ".