Paris and my fraught relationship with it

Me at the Pompidou center, this was well worth the visit. I am also sporting my favorite sunglasses which magically make all my clothes look 100% better 

My Air BnB which i enjoyed all to myself 

I visited Paris this year for my 16 year old self who was hopelessly infatuated with France. It's kind of stereotypical and very expected for girls to love Paris, especially if they are young and i fell into that category unabashedly. Upon leaving paris as a 16 year old, i made a promise to myself that i'd be back someday and i was. Just two months ago, i made it back to Paris.

What i discovered this time around as a 26 year old was a different place completely to the dreamy, hazy and romantic version which was the Paris i knew as a 16 year old. This Paris was curt, snobby, cold and scrutinising. On Leandra Medine's podcast Monocycle, she said that Paris had a way of making her feel like the most insignificant and unimportant person in the world. I couldn't have put it more perfectly than that about myself and my own experiences too.

Paris is really gorgeous and has a history that can't be beat but going there literally makes you feel really cruddy about yourself. For one, the curtness can be very blunt. And another, you get looked at a lot by the people around you especially in the metro. People are always checking out other people and you don't know whether they're looking because they like or don't like what they see which gets un-nerving as hell.

It took me nearly until the end of my trip to get used to the city and its edge. As interesting and beautiful as Paris is, it's hard to be there because you feel pressured to always check yourself so you don't wreck yourself. Observing locals revealed to me how codified behaviours, social mores and fashions were. I mean, this is the same in every foreign country you visit but there's a very established 'way' in Paris and if you do not subscribe to their ways then you are more or less ostracised. What sets Paris apart is that they're snooty if you don't do it their way. Instead of being weirded out, confused or surprised, they're snooty. You could see who were locals and who weren't very clearly. You could also see how different their ways of life were just by how they spoke to each other. You really had to earn a Parisian persons trust and respect. They don't start off being warm to you, especially if its one girl to another which made me feel quite sad.

The Bastille Market : I got up really early to come here and it was great. I loved the sheer amount of produce available. The quality was great, the prices were low and i couldn't stop buying raspberries

I sound pretty bad right now, don't I? Mouthing off a whole city of people and their ways. But as always, this is a just one persons generalised account and it's un-necessary to tell me that there are good Parisians too. Of course there are, but there are also trends and things that you can't ignore as well. I don't hate Paris at all. In fact, i always think about going back again and again and again. I can't get enough of it. It's just that, this time i was there i saw it in a realistic light and it's kind of a cold and judgey place. 

Parisians possess a languid, unaffected sensibility, as if their house could be burning but they'd still walk at a pace that was comfortable for them. The house can't be salvaged anyway, so i may as well take my time. THATS SO PARISIAN. I remember summing up Parisians as doing 'seen but no reply' on the daily to you on Facebook messenger. THAT'S ALSO SO PARISIAN. I think i'm pretty laissez faire ( that felt painful but necessary to write ) but i'm also pretty neurotic so i can't be completely laid back which made me feel like i didn't truly fit into Paris world.