How can You do this again?

I deleted my first blog. Then i deleted my second blog. Now, i'm onto my third blog. This is getting silly and stupid and frankly, a bit immature. Make up your mind and stick with it. This has always been one of my personal doctrines and i hate indecisiveness. It shows weak conviction and that's something i'm really not into. So why did i get another one again? Maybe more importantly, how can you trust that i am back for good when i have already made that bold claim and struck it from the record so suddenly... again? Put it this way, i'm different now. I'm really, really, really different. I'm a whole new person. And even though i said that the last time around, each time around is a new beginning and each new beginning begets new pathways. This is no joke. If i don't feel like exposing myself anymore all over the internet, then i'll just leave the blog be as opposed to deleting it. But the thrill of deleting a blog? It's awesome. It's up there with one of the best feelings in the world.
Somethings happened over the last few months. I've built and sustained something called " Confidence " and it's proved to be the most valuable asset that i could build and have. This is what's going to keep me from deleting this blog. This is what's going to keep me from getting all anxious, self deprecating and unsure about what i write about.

Rejection and lack of interest from the outside world no longer strikes me down. Similarly, success and validation mean very little as well. Now, all that matters to me is the morning. The morning routine. I wake up, i make my two cups of black coffee on the coffee machine, i check my emails, then i have journal time. Believe it or not, this is the backbone of my life. I thrive on structure and discipline. I have a reserve of self motivation, self belief and worth inside of me and it's what keeps me going. Two months ago, i would've cringed at writing that out but it's the truth and i'm not going to deny it. I've always been insecure about how out spoken and passionate i've been. Those parts of myself have been dimmed down quite a lot and i like it. But having a blog, that's different because blogs are supposed to be a place of self expression. I think i'm going to remember that from now on. I think there'll always be a part of me that'll be bold and verbose. But i also think that a lot of what that was, was immaturity and the energy of being really young and idealistic.

I'm more confident about myself now. And this makes it easier for me to speak my mind and not be afraid of what people think. Believe me, this is a new experience that is still baffling me. I don't think i can ever get to the roots of how i came into this life change. I don't think anyone including myself, will ever know. I think this is just how life works. I've been writing a lot and getting paid for it for a copy writing job that i'm doing for this web company. As for creative writing? There's been nothing but rejections so far. You got to have your struggling writers. This is just life and i'm one of them.