Humble Pie

This past year has all about bringing my ego down. I think that's pretty much the source of all my problems you know. Well, my old problems anyway. The larger your ego, the more problems you're going to face. This is something i truly believe in. Why? Because you feel more entitled to things going your way. And if they don't? Then you feel like some travesty is happening or something. It's just the worst. I used to have a pretty big ego, but this year's been such a humbling experience that i think that it's more or less gone. I used to be obsessed with having attention and being heard and people really caring about what i have to say but more and more, i just love receding into the background. Not being a wall flower, if i still want to make my presence known i'll do that but not really exerting myself as much. I mean, i've always wanted to be really demure and quiet because that's exactly what i couldn't be. But now, over these last five or six months, it's been gradually happening and i find myself more relaxed, less anxious, urgent and just generally more easy going. I used to want to be famous and make a huge impact upon people. This was what i was obsessed with. I had so many ideas and opinions and personality. But you know what? I think i prefer being more bland now. And i NEVER thought i'd ever say that. Like, i never ever thought this would be what i wanted. But as i grow older, i realise something. You always get what you never thought you'd want and love it in life. I've seen this happen to me and to those around me. It's uncanny.

There's always been a part of me that wanted to be more quiet, reserved and conservative. But i thought that my loud side was always stronger. Turns out, i was wrong. I have always been success hungry. My friend Elizabeth says that what i'm going through is just a phase and that sooner or later, i'm gonna get my career boots on and try and take over the world again. I don't know. I don't think so, really. I was success hungry and i craved it. But i guess in a way, success didn't want to make itself available to me. There are some amazingly successful people around me, like my friend Minna who's already getting so much fame and recognition. You can't really fight for success. It has to choose you. I don't think that it's in the cards for me. But somehow, amazingly, i'm OK with it. I'll always revel in the success of other people. It's fascinating and it's exciting and i can just imagine themselves, alone, in bed at night their thoughts swirling in fantasy. I've been there, you get completely carried away and it feels amazing. I think i've accepted that i'll never be a big success, despite fantasizing about it and even believing that it might happen one day when i was young. My life has changed in a way that's just unbelievable. It's humble, quiet and peaceful. I feel like this is good enough. It's great enough.