Constant debating in my mind

There's one thing that i'm constantly debating about in my mind and that's whether to be discretionary or to be out with all that i think and feel. I've always felt like there were two sides of myself that enjoyed and identified with both of these personality traits. I just don't know which one i feel is more, appropriate. I know that we all chop and change according to our environments, but for all my life i've had an issue with the fact that everyone adapts. I feel like there has to be more stolidness in our personalities. Some parts of ourselves that refuse to be challenged or questioned because that's who we are well and truly.
Whenever I keep my mouth shut, i feel like there are opportunities that i'm losing. Whenever i open my mouth, i feel like i'm driving people away with my boldness and impetuosity. What the hell am i to do? I feel torn between these two parts of myself that i enjoy wholeheartedly. I love fading into the background, solitude, slipping away when everyone is in the midst of commotion to enjoy the silent corners of the room alone. But I also love being the life of the party, the preening peacock, the conversationalist, the person who blurts out the first thing on their mind. But i want to be one more than the other, and although i know people that i know can attest to one or the other wholeheartedly with gusto, i am not so sure i can match their sureness and sincerity. I truly wonder what goes on in the minds of others when i'm at my loudest and craziest. When i and my voice gets carried away. I always feel like everyone is saying inside their heads, " When will this girl ever shut up?". But then, i also think about what goes on in the minds of others when i'm at my most discreet. I guess what other people think of us isn't really our business as that particular doctrine states.

This is really the ultimate debate that rallies inside of me. I know that we can't ever be black and white because life is more complicated than that, but for the sake of my own peace of mind, i want to feel more akin to one than the other. Is it the quiet me or the loud me that i feel deeper relations to at the end of the day? I for the love of god, have no idea still. I can't sit with the reality that i am both. I don't think i'll ever truly find out for sure. The problem is that when i'm quiet or when i'm loud, that's who i am 100%. In those moments, i couldn't deny what i said or what i do at all. That would just be lying to myself. When i am discretionary, reserved and complacent that's when i feel the most mature and at peace with life. When i am loud, bold and impulsive that's when i feel the most powerful. I am genuinely addicted to both of these experiences so how can i give either one up? I know that this is a redundant issue that ultimately has no resolve. It's a twin pack that must be eaten at the same time but still, this is a perennial enquiry that i'll always be attempting to unravel. Admittedly, this year has seen me find a balance in my life that i never thought i'd experience. It's been the best thing to happen, really. Yet, this part of me still lingers.

The thing that irks me the most, is that the loud, bold and immature side of me is the one that i feel people identify me with. But this is so not true. I don't like this side of myself as much as the side that likes eating alone, shopping alone, reading alone and riding the train alone. I feel like this is the side that other people will never see that is so important to me as a person. I don't think people see half of the true selves that we are and the attempts to traverse this to our present selves simply gets lost in language and the 'vague'. I've been socializing a lot these past couple of weeks and i get afraid that people will see me in one frame work for the rest of the time that we spend time together. I wish we could seize control over the image that we project out into the world. We can't. What other people think about us is the product and creation of their own minds and always will be. When we go out into the world, a part of us is created by other people and there's nothing we can do about it. It's funny, as much as i have enjoyed being amongst other people these past couple of weeks, i have more of a flagrant desire to be alone and to segregate myself from absolutely everybody. It's all horribly dramatic but i totally feel it. To be a hermit, a recluse, somebody who's 100% utterly happy to be alone and to always be alone. The best part, is that i can do this if i truly want to.