Yalei Wang

Sometimes, i sit before the laptop and computer and i have nothing to write about. Like today, there's nothing I can write about. I always feel the responsibility to tap out some stuff though. Although a part of me does feel like if you can't produce something good, don't produce anything at all. I'm sort of breaking that rule right now. The themes for my posts don't usually change. They are always about me and my life and my feelings about my life. Lately, i feel like there's so little people that i feel close to. It's really true what they say about your tastes becoming more refined and distinct as you grow older. I've finally come to a point in my life where i know exactly what i like and what i don't. It's with a grain of sadness though because this means that lots of people don't make the cut. But it's not me who's cutting them, it's my personality that finds fault with theirs which results in mismatch. There's not a criteria that i have which i hold up against everyone that i meet. I feel like who you like and get along with and who you don't is almost an involuntary process. I'm going to get along and be friends with whoever i'll get along and be friends with no matter their age, race, tastes or preferences. Believe it or not. It's not a lot of people though, and this is what's sad.

There are some people in life who have a lot of friends ( and i mean friends, NOT acquaintances ). To me, these people are very general to me. They have general tastes, general dispositions and general expectations. We all have a criteria for the sort of people that we prefer to socialize with, but sometimes this is waived. To me, this criteria doesn't really matter to them. It matters to me, but not when that person is so outstanding that they are better than that measly criteria. I guess a sense of loneliness is sort of creeping up on me slowly. It's not something i'm afraid of though because i know what it's like to be in that place. My best friend is coming home soon and i can't wait to see her. But for now? It's solo life as i always say again and again. I literally feel so much older than people my age. Don't take it like i'm seeing myself as more superior to them because that's completely not the case. But however, i do feel like i've reached a point where I stake the norms and expectations that are laid upon the bracket of my age for the bracket of my own values and ideologies. I feel like i am not on the path of a 23 year old. Mentally. Career and living wise, maybe i'm still within the norms of my age but as a person i definitely do not feel like i am.

Is adulthood a place where there is no farce and tacit pretension of youth? I hope so. A part of me thinks it is. If i feel like i'm in adulthood now, then what will real adulthood be like?