Now Boarding, Flight J8023 to Japan...

Ok, so my friend Minna wrote about being sad on her blog so i feel like i can do it now because once someone does it, it's always easier for us to do the same. I've been REALLY sad lately. In a very bad way. And when i get sad, it's the worst thing in the world because i know that noone can get me out of this phase and that i'm the only person in the world that can haul me out of my awful rut. I've literally stopped asking people for help now. When i was in my teens, i did it all the time. I believed in Dolly and Cosmopolitan that we had to ' reach out to the people that loved us ' but now i know that those people don't have the solutions and even if they did, some of us ( me ) are so stubborn and strong willed that we sometimes can't see beyond the hardship and awfulness that we are in at the moment.

I know the exact reason for why i am sad. It's got nothing to do with other people, mainly it's to do with myself and my life and how i feel like it mightn't ever go anywhere. I feel like people think I'm so 'young' and that there's still so much time for me to grow and succeed. But in my mind, i feel like if i don't get it before 30, then i'm nothing. OK there, i said it and it's here on the internet. I struggle a lot with standards. I want to be the best that i can be and i want to be the best at my game. But it's so hard to get opportunities. People are constantly looking for the bad in you as opposed to the good. It all sounds so crazy, but that's exactly what i am. I'm the biggest crazy ever. Last year, i thought i had myself all figured out. I literally thought, " Shit, i totally beat that thing inside of me that makes me sad" but it's so strong willed, it came back and now i struggle so much in doing things. All of my motivation has gone down the drain. I used to be so energetic, eager to live and pro-active about doing things. But it's getting so hard that i can't even open the lid of a jam jar.

I've been watching very, very old Simpsons and it rocks

I've always had this thing against ' normalcy '. When i was a teenager, i was like " Fuck i never want to be normal it's SO boring". But those normal people never have these lows. They never have highs either but it doesn't matter because they don't know what they're missing out on so it's no problem to them. Normalcy is what i seek the most in life. Get up before 9, go to bed before 12, do your work, get fresh air watch an hours worth of tv and then go to bed. THAT'S normalcy and let me tell you, it's bliss. And i thought i had it down pat, but now i know for sure. My mind and my emotions are like sunburnt skin. Even one little touch to it sends pain waves down to the bones. I can't believe how sensitive i am till this day, even after i thought i had gone through everything to make me more balanced. If you take one component out of the sequence, it rocks the entire equation. In order for me to have normalcy, everything has to flow with one another. Right now, it's not that.