' Intense Disorder '

Sometimes, things get real intense.
Like when you get rejected from a job, when you break up from your boyfriend or girlfriend, when you stuff up a dance move on stage or when your friends decide to ditch you for no reason at all. Not that those feelings are pleasant to experience in any way, but i wish that we could bottle up those feelings and then feed ourselves it once in a while just so we can investigate how deep those feelings go. I know you're thinking, " Yalei is so weird " but seriously guys, these feelings aren't only real but they are so powerful, i think that they are the closest thing we can get to Kryptonite in real life. I feel like i have a disorder called ' intense ' disorder. It's where i feel everything intensely. Like REALLY intense. It has dulled down a lot over the years but during my late teens and early twenties, i'll tell you what - EVERYTHING was a big deal. It was as if i had no skin on my body and my entire body was simply muscle. And life.. that was acid being thrown onto my skin.

I remember thinking that everything i did was going to be written in my life forever as something truly magnificent, terrible or monumental. It might've just been adolescent angst but i don't think it was that. Somehow, i believe that i have always experienced life without skin. It was all about what ' other ' people thought. What other people decided to dub me. Living your life through the validation of others is crippling and eats away at your own self-worth. If you can, listen to others to the extent in which you need. That need is a vague one, but don't let the entirety of your worth be dependent on other people. I did for my whole life up until recently and i wish it wasn't so. Everyday.
Intense disorder is like when you go out and you feel like you are living a day that is contributing to something terrific in the future. You don't know how that 'terrific' future is going to come, but you have this naive sense of optimism that it's coming and BIG things are in store for you. Intense disorder is looking into peoples eyes and fucking feeling like the world has actually gone slow motion. This has happened to me twice and it is surreal, almost terrifying. Intense disorder is when you wait for about five minutes before making the decision to do anything because you have already envisioned all that could go wrong ( maybe that's just anxiety ). Intense disorder is having the nerve, gall and insanity to pledge yourself to an art, a craft, a mission or a person for the whole of your life not giving a shit how badly it could end up.

Intensity is all eradicating. If we are made up of tiny legos, then intensity of emotions blows us up into nothing. Or, if all the legos are yellow, the intense feelings turn all those yellow legos into white ones, in a second. Emotions have consumed me for my whole life. I am the character in stories where i lie on my back thinking too long about useless shit. I'm someone who longs after people who'll never know that i even exist and i'm the sad sack you read about in stories that are usually depicted by aging old men wearing dirty colored coats. That's me. And it's all because of Intense disorder.

Has anyone else ever experienced this sort of thing? Where things aren't just strong but intense to the point where they kind of venture somewhere a lot more 'fundamental'? Am i alone?