Yalei Wang

Life isn't that fast, it's more slow 

We've all had that conversation with our friends about the pace of life. The general consensus, is that life is short. I feel like life is short but the pace of it is actually slower than i previously thought it was. Did you know, that when i was 8 years old i thought that i'd have everything when i was 18? I thought 18 was so, so old that it would be impossible to be struggling at that age. Forward on to my 20's and i'm going through this experience where i'm realising that things. take. time. 
And lots of it. I can't help but be living in the future. It's all i ever think about. I just think about what i want and when am i going to get it. Am i putting in the work to get where i want? Not as much as i believe is needed, but i am. But it's not up to to me whether what i want in life is what i'm going to get. 

Where the hell am i going to be when i'm 28? I can't even imagine myself that old. And i'm so afraid that i'll still be nothing and have achieved nothing important at that age. It matters so much to me to have achieved things and i've always been jealous of over-achievers. But in some part of the alchemy, i believe that chance and luck have to do with some part of their success. I haven't had that sort of luck or chance. Life moves so slowly for me. And things take so much time to come about. No wonder i have a shopping problem, it's instant gratification. I like things to be here and now. Sometimes i don't mind the wait because it's exciting, but i'm an instant gratification person. I want things immediately, otherwise my anxiety plays up and it aint pretty. 

Last night, i met up with an old friend of mine for dinner. She recently got the Art start grant and she's going to New york to suss the place out. For some reason, this hit a chord in me. I feel like i'm constantly running and chasing after things but i'm not letting things just naturally flow. But if you let things just 'naturally' flow too much, things stagnate and you don't develop. I'm going to be a writer till the day that i die. Literally, next to my death bed is a bedside table and my journal will be on there. I'm scared that i'll never get the break that i'll need to become a real writer. An author should i say, that makes money from books. I can't do anything else in life but write, pour out these feelings and ideas that i have which consume me during the evening and when i'm waiting in line at a store. Am i a fool to keep going? 

That comment made by my potential employer really hit me hard. " You're too eccentric for the office ". One, because it's true and two because if i can't work in the ' real ' world, who am i going to be and how am i going to survive in the years to come? I look around in trains, down streets, in restaurants and know that i'm only seeing the surface of these strangers. But they all look SO normal. It's almost like their lives are like a track that someone had neatly carved out for them and they are just sailing through it. When i look at myself, i can't imagine what tomorrow will bring. This is the same for a lot of people i know as well since all my friends are artists, we're wayward constantly.