Yalei Wang

Not enough to be a problem, but there enough to be present 

I've been drinking a lot lately. I wouldn't talk about this except when i stare at this screen, all i can do is spill out my feelings because it seems these days, that's all i have. I used to never like the taste of alcohol and drunk it only because my friends did and for the sole purpose of getting drunk. Forward onto my 20s, i don't drink with people as much as i do alone and the sole purpose remains the same. The image of me drinking alone is sad, i admit - but i don't feel sad when i do it. When i start to drink, things recede further and further away into irrelevance. I feel present ( oddly and drunkenly albeit ). This is so lame, but i always light candles and i put on my favorite music and kind of just retrieve into myself. 

The amount of selfies with me and glasses of alcohol is getting a bit old

Sometimes i get flashbacks of things that have happened in the past but i'm one of those people that live in the future and if i am day dreaming, it's always about what i want in the future. 

But you know what? It's more about that dazed feeling you get when you are drunk. Alone. In your room and you're listening to something shameful but loving that feeling of indulgement. I think drinking alone is something that only people who have baggage do. And let's face it, we can always drink alone because we all have baggage. But some peoples baggage is different. Some people can forget their baggage and move on. Some can't. I'm one of those people who carries so much baggage with them for their whole life. I guess you can say i'm a bag lady. I remember things from when i was so little that still impact me and make me feel things that are just like " get over it ". 

I've been asking people what constitutes alcoholism. " If you're drinking at night, it's just a coping mechanism", one friend cited. I never drink in the morning. How can you after a night of it prior? You wake up with the remnants of last nights stupor in your mouth and your body. No, you do not need anymore of that. My favorite alcohol is white wine and champagne. I drink red and i like it but it's such a punch in the face. The feeling you get when you wake up after a night of drinking red is also awful. It's heavy, it's almost like a one tonne blanket being plunged onto you. With white, i never get as bad a hang over as with red. With Champagne, i never get a hang over at all. 

I can see myself doing this because there's a sanctum in me that i retrieve into and i made up this metaphor to sum it up. When you are drunk, your mind becomes a castle of 100 rooms and you are free to wander into each and every one of them at your own leisure. I am definitely no hippie, but our minds are like that. There are cracks and crevices and large halls where you step in and you just stay silent because you didn't know you had that in you. I like to venture deep into myself ( don't have a dirty mind ) because i feel like sometimes i'm 4 different people. That's good for a writer..