Admitting that i'm a bit spiritual

This is hard for me to say, but i think that i'm a spiritual person that's been in denial about being spiritual for ages. For me, being spiritual is being really open to experiences and letting that enter a part of yourself that is beyond logic or explanation. Miracles and magic and love at first sight shit. I used to love that kind of thing when i was younger. Mind and heart bursting with color and movement and hopeful dreaming. But then cynicism, hardship and reality bit me as I aged and left its teethmarks as mauve scars that will probably never disappear. That was the end of spirituality for me. I lived according to facts, figures and things that can be statistically measured. There was no place for being a dreamer, a romantic or to go philandering around in the depths of my mind anymore.  I forgot about Paris, about my dreams, about being so high off life without little helpers.

It baffles me how intensely emotional i used to be in my teens. Life was practically overwhelming. Constantly i was in a battle with my feelings. They overtook me. Good was great. Bad was like my head being bashed against dull, grey concrete. I was the ultimate little drama queen. Life wasn't boring but it wasn't easy, fun or livable either. But it was present. It was something that was always imminent. Finding full time work and getting enough money to get out of my parents house overtook absolutely everything that used to matter to me. I've only begun to realise as this year draws to a close that this is not the way to live.

Dreams seem to be sending me subliminal messages, vibrations echo through things left unsaid, fanciful waves of subconscious desires are left un-quenched at 3AM. I took out my Tarot cards the other day and wanted to reacquaint myself. I did for about two or three days and then forgot about them again. But i miss their mystery. I guess the whole point of this entry is that it's time to tap into that part of me which i left behind a while back. I know it's still in there in me somewhere, but to access it now is going to take just as much work as attempting to erase it.