I'll tell you what it's like not to be able to love anymore

I think i used to be really good at loving things. Loving anything, really. It doesn't matter what it was, the point was that you loved it so much that you were obsessed with it. Not to the point that you wanted to kill them or to smother them, but that you loved it/them so much that you would look at whoever or whatever it was and see with eyes that felt swelled up with salt. Salt and bubbles because you were so gorged with this sick emotion inside that if this person or thing were to die, you would vowel to never love anything ever again.
I met this woman once in my life. And this sounds like i'm making it up but this is absolutely true. She was a spinster and she told me she had been married twice before in her life. I asked her if she was with anybody now and she said, " Hell no".

So then i go on, " So, you live by yourself?"
" Yes "
" Do people think you're weird for not being married with kids?"
" You stop caring what people think when you get to my age".
This was when i was about 18 and the thought of being a person her age without a husband and kids was positively bizarre to me. But looking back now, I feel like this woman must've gone through what i've been through. Where you go through emotional spending so hard that you're left with no more funds left to invest in what's to come. Investing in anything always involves risk. There's no such thing as a high yield, low risk investment. It's a scam and it works the same in real life away from finance too.

I used to love with my whole heart. For people, for animals, for Fridays and for nice things that were to come. But now, i feel like survival matters more. It's better to live a stable, secure and boring life than to love so hard and then to crash and burn in two months time. The blunt truth is, that i don't think i have the capacity to love anymore. And whereas people think of this as the worst thing that can happen, i feel like it is love that is the true scam in life.
I've loved before and it's not that good. It's all that TV say's it is but here's something TV doesn't say. Life moves on no matter how much you want it to stop. It's like when someone you love dies and you wish you could stop time so you can chill out and just have some time to cry and to mope. But the rents due tomorrow and this girl's being a bitch to you at work.
You have no choice but to go to work because if you don't, you'll be evicted.

Love is a scam not because you can end up being hurt or end up rejected. They aren't the reasons why. The reason why is because it blinds us and tricks us into believing the impossible. Eternity, everlasting peace, security. The most coveted things in life can only be attained through love. That's what the world tells us. It's what the world will continue to tell us as well. But not me. And it's not about being bitter and twisted because if you are in love then continue to be so. But god, please do  not pledge your happiness and life dependence on that thing, place, person or time. Not being able to love anymore is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Happiness is never in someone else. It's being everywhere at the same time. Not just here with you.