White Washed

Lately, i've been feeling sort of guilty about being too ' white '. I don't know if any other ethnic readers feel the same way. Every time i put on a white collared shirt and enjoy a glass of white wine, i think, " Omg this is so white ". I feel this weird sense of guilt for doing white people things. Buying overpriced groceries at fancy supermarkets, wearing beige all the time, having no desire to ever return to China again or to even go near Chinese-y places. The fact is, although i am not ashamed of being Chinese, i just can't relate to anything at all about the culture.

Nothing of it appeals to me. I don't like the colors, the textures, the taste. I don't like how everything that's made in China is shit quality, i don't like how we overcrowd the shopping centers and I don't like how we have a reputation for being rude and indelicate. I know not all Chinese people are like this. Just like how not all White people celebrate Christmas or wear white collared shits and like wine. But the matter of the fact is, reputations solidify because repeat offenses happen. Stereotypes are true, just grossly exaggerated.

I was bought up in White countries and have always wondered what i would've been like if i never left China. Would i be as outspoken, artistic, liberal minded and free spirited as I am now? Or are these qualities ones which can only truly be fostered in Western society? Because in China, these sorts of qualities are not encouraged nor prized and you won't find many people who possess them. I don't want to seem like a China hater, because i'm not. I'm just wondering how i'm supposed to balance what i really like and what really appeals to me with my 'roots' and my heritage?

To be honest, i love heritage and tradition. I like how some people have had their entire lives carved out in one place, who have family members that have built the city or the town that they live in. I love people who have roots and are proud of it. It shows a real sense of identity. But this is something I can't relate to because i don't feel that way about my culture. And i don't feel any sense of affiliation with what China represents. How important is it for us to feel close to the culture that we are bought up in? The whole world talks about how our lives are ours and how we define what is right and wrong for us, but in the back of my mind i still feel guilt about not having any kind of desire to have some sort of bond with the country that I represent.