Being alone v Being Left ( alone )

A still from ' Sous Le Sable ' directed by Francois Ozon and starring Charlotte Rampling

SBS described 'Sous Le Sable' ( Under the Sand ) as an essay about personal loss and what it means to be left alone. I watched this movie twice. Once to delight my eyes ( Rampling, enough said ) and twice to pick up on the clues that were oblivious to me on the first showing. Seeing as being alone is such an overarching theme in my writing, i thought it was time to take another angle. That of being abandoned against ones wishes.

The most potent memory of abandonment I have that really matters to me and my feelings towards attachment has got to begin with friendship. Girls i've hung out with throughout my life have been supportive and loving but also downright mean and bitchy. The first memory i have is of my group of friends in Primary school making a pact to run away from me because i wasn't cool enough to hang out with them. I walked up to them like i did everyday and all of a sudden, they just upped and ran away from me. I had no idea what was going on, so i simply ran after them. That's when they all stopped and stated boldly and clearly, " Stop following us".

It doesn't come as a surprise that i went home after school that day sobbing hard into my pillow. Of course, it wasn't the last time i sobbed hard to the only soft shoulder i've got but this was one of the most searing experiences of abandonment i've had. On the exterior, it sounds trivial. Merely a stereotypical tale of playground politics and girlish immaturity. But i can't forget those moments of loneliness i spent in my bedroom, feeling like the most pathetic, disgusting and shameful 'thing' ever. And even if the whole thing seems meaningless to me now, the fact that i had to live through the hardship of knowing people out there thought i was worthless enough to abandon, surely cannot ever be erased.

I was left alone against my wishes. With nowhere to go and a truly sad case to present to new potential friends, " Hey, my last friends ditched me can i hang with you now?". But i'm here today and what's weird is that despite all of this, i've left many people in my life. The thing that i've always believed in is getting rid of things that no longer work. Being alone can be a fortress of salvation and not a cesspit of grey loneliness. Being alone is a choice and a necessary one when you have to leave something that isn't working. We live in a society where we are encouraged to ' work on things '. I agree with this but sometimes we have to ask, " Work on what?". Ties have to be severed when they are of no worth in the present, friendships have to be broken despite unforgettable memories, Marriages end because we want what we want now.

If you leave someone, you accept the consequences. Of the fact they will probably never forgive you entirely and that the friendship or relationship will be altered for good. If you can accept that, then you're ready to move on. Being left is no party for anybody. But leaving a person also means leaving a time or experience that has to be put to bed. We're putting an end to what needs to be stopped. The only way we can stop a whole range of things usually begins with one single individual. To that girl group at school, i was dragging down their entire group. I was dragging down four other people. One person has the power to do that. To boost them up or drag them down. I was not an asset to their group, not someone that contributed anything of value and quite honesty, probably an embarrassment. And although the hurt can't be forgotten, the thing is that i understand why people leave and i don't have any grudges against these girls.

I think the main thing we forget is that people leave us for them and not really as a means to make us feel awful. It's hard to remember or to remind ourselves that life can only really be lived alone for it to count. We have to make decisions that are best for us. I don't believe in there being a 'unit'. One person ultimately leaves for something more in the end. So with that in mind, it wasn't wrong of them to leave me. The only way we can move forward is if we leave old baggage behind.

You can watch Sous Le Sable here :

http://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/video/321977923565/under-the-sand