Time runs a different path when you're away from home

Unexpectedly, somebody or something accidentally nudges a splinter underneath your skin. You flinch and then wish that that accident did not happen. That you didn't have to feel the pain that came with that accident. This is how i feel about the prospect of going home. I'd be riding the subway, exploring the city, trying to buy something at the convenience store and the reality would hit me. Time is running out. Before you know it, you'll be on the way home, back to your old life back to the greyness and the dullness. Life has changed slowly and in fragments. But when i open my eyes in the morning, it's like a fully grown child that i have neglected without even knowing. This is what I feel like about life back at home. Like a child i never raised properly, who's is now full mature and independent. With his own will against me and all the power in the world to be able to ruin me. I don't want to go home, but i can't keep running away.

I can't keep trotting the globe looking for novelty and fun. But what can be done when you've run out of options? When you feel like there's no hope left in change. When you've fucking done so much already and nothing has happened for you? Home is not where my heart is. My heart belongs to impulse, to fun, to laughter, to new friendships and whatever is exotic and far away from where i belong. Only when i'm thousands of miles away from home do i feel a sense of life that i cannot obtain anywhere in Melbourne. Only when i'm so far away from my friends, family and duty can i really feel like i'm living life which is full of choice. The problem is, you can make a home anywhere. A place that is exciting, full of glory and possibilities will wilt into something so boring and banal before you know it. Then you find yourself look out of your window wishing for something new, something different. Something only a foreign city can give to you.

It's been nearly a week and i've already experienced so many new things. Life changing thoughts, feelings and experiences with not only myself but with people who belong here. I think about laying on my back at night back at home and knowing that somewhere else in the world is a life that is waiting for me to slip into. I'm so envious of people who are OK with staying in one place for their whole lives. That's what i want. I want my life to be what i want it to be in one place. But I don't feel the same things as other people who go on holiday. They know they have to go home and are OK with that. I'll do anything to stay in a moment of adventure and beauty forever. I can only ever get this feeling when i'm somewhere here. Everytime i take the subway here, i get so excited and happy because i'm with all these locals. Some of them might feel the same way about their lives as I do. But they have no idea that i'm one of them and there's something so exciting about you knowing something and not knowing that other people know too. I felt so sad last night. I hate feeling sad but only in moments of sadness do you gain access to an insight bigger than your own life. You tap into something beyond yourself, beyond your room, your city, your country. You gain this momentary clarity of the matter of all things. I don't want to be sad, but if only i could get this feeling on its own. It always seems to come with sadness. It only ever comes with tears.

I spent time with some Tokyoites the other night at an art opening. I felt like that was the first time i was truly happy in years. They were so welcoming and warm and accepting. It felt like i was being embraced and having every single painful gap in my life filled with balm. There are certain feelings you can only ever get far, far away. There are certain things about yourself you can only know when you're not with your friends, your family, your fucking dull reality. I'll do anything i can to keep it forever.