Shinjuku and more thoughts whilst being here

SHINJUKU!

I spent all of today walking around Shinjuku exploring it. I’m exhausted and just had to confront the fact that someone may walk in on me undressing to get into the shower since the door had no lock and apparently public nudity around showering areas and onsens are considered completely normal here. Throughout the day as I explored and quite honestly wondered aimlessly around the city, I couldn’t help thinking to myself on the major issue of what I was going to do when I got home. I mean the bigger picture, my life insurance situation, how I was going to lead my life. Every single rejected application for a job or a committee position gets me even more helpless and negative about my future prospects. I feel like I’m truly being thrashed.

 

Me in a traditional Japanese robe

Goodies i got at Tokyu hands and Kinokuniya bookstore today! Finally
got my hands on the Maru book *_*

From what I know of the world around me, people are doing it tough but I wish I could someone burrow inside their minds to really see just how hard they are doing it. Words only go so far whereas a person’s experience is what we really want to be experiencing. But how? I identify with that feeling you get of having gone too far in trying to find out the truth from someone. You know that feeling you get. You feel like a creep, a snoop, someone a little bit too interested in finding out something about someone. I dislike feeling like this because all I really want to know is the truth about matters. All I want to find is some kind of comfort for myself as well as lend some out to others too. I feel like I burrow too hard for the truth and I’ve really hedged myself in in regards to my desperation to find out nowadays. When I was younger, I’d be persistent. I think I was even quite oblivious to the cues which I should’ve taken to stop burrowing.

Nobody wants to let in on just how tough they are doing it. So they do what I do. They travel the world chasing after the tail of distraction and novelty to give them some fragment of relief before going back home to save so they can do it again. Or they deny how difficult they are feeling and flip the focus back onto the majority. Why should it be all about me when there are people out there who are hurting just as much or even more?
Well the reason is that you are the one who has to live your life, to think your thoughts and to feel the consequences of your actions. You’re the one who has to bear the brunt of your stupidity, relish in the glory of your success. You are encased in a layer of yourself.

To be honest, I cannot imagine going home back to my life again. I wish more than anything that I had $200,000 so I could go on a never ending holiday all across the globe. From Tokyo, I’ll make my way to Paris and then perhaps China to see how my grandma is doing. Anything but home. Anything but the life insuranceless place that is my life back in Melbourne, Australia. I know deep in my heart that I’m a person who’s really, well… alive. I love the feeling of being aware of yourself even if it brings me anxiety most days because when it’s good, it’s really quite amazing.

Looking full into the smiling face of a taxi driver who finds your attempts at Japanese charming - amazing
Getting flooded over by people walking in unison towards the gates of Shinjuku station – amazing

Getting to luxuriate in the sight of how beautifully dressed Japanese people are

-       amazing

Little Japanese girls bowing in thanks to me – amazing

But sitting alone in your hotel under the fluorescent lights somewhere in Nihonbashi with the

knowledge that before I can even grasp it fully, I’ll be back in my own bed again, my own room

again, my own life again. It’s like a sack of rocks being dropped on both shoulders. I guess that’s

what reality is. You know, sometimes I feel like my life is like a sum that bears a seemingly incorrect

answer. No

matter how hard I think, strategize, reason and debate on the answer of the sum, it’s still correct and

that’s my life. The answer seems wrong but all numbers add up. Which makes me think, is it entirely

my fault that I am where I am?