Ever felt like you don't belong?

I'm pondering over the reality of where i would go if Tokyo doesn't sit well with me in the next six months. How realistic have i gotten? Just a couple of weeks ago, i was hell bent on Japan. Now i'm here, things are sobering up. I can see that a bad time here is just as possible as a good time ( But most likely, it'll be a mixture of both ). What i'm searching for is a place to call home. All i want is a stable life where i work a job that I like, where I earn enough to be comfortable and where i am happy. That's all i want now. I used to ask for so much from life but now all i want is a place that i feel like i belong. Melbourne drove me out, Tokyo i'm still feeling my way around. But if Japan isn't the one, where will i go to next? This is why i've been thinking about going back to my ultimate roots. China. But what if my home country isn't suitable either? The possibility of me floating around just does not sit well with me at all. I can't help but feel worried about the next five years. I am not a floater and i don't want to be one. I want to find a place where i identify and feel comfortable in and settle down there. The last thing i want people to think is that this trip to Tokyo is a ' finding myself ' trip. No, this trip is about gauging how suitable this city is as a permanent place to finally begin the life i deserve. It's too early to say anything concrete now since i'm still feeling ostracized and odd as i am so new to the city and the country. But i'm just being realistic and looking into the future.

There have been a few cities that have really affected me and Tokyo is of course one of them hence why i am here now. Paris is another. But could i live and work in Paris? I'm not sure if i quite feel the pull to go there. I just don't feel as attracted to Paris as i did in my teens. I think it's so crucial that we like and enjoy where we live. It's important to have a home, you know? Well right now, i don't really feel like i have one. And back in Melbourne, i didn't feel like that was my home either. I didn't have a job that i liked, i didn't have any prospects, my attempts were made in vain. You see where i'm coming from? You see why i feel so stranded? I feel ashamed that i don't have more in my life. I know people who are younger than me who are working these excellent jobs that they will only excel at over time. I know people who are such successes and will only excel even higher over time as well. And the whole world tells me, " Yalei, you need to work hard". Well i did. But nothing worked out for me. Why? Why the fuck not? Why can't i get something?

You know, getting this opportunity to come to Tokyo was the only thing that went right for me in two years and i'm thankful, very thankful to be back. Every time i'm in the train, i look at the people in the train, their faces, their hair, their clothes and i say to myself silently, "You guys don't know it, but i'm so happy to be in this train with all of you". Being here has already made me get up out of bed earlier, tackle the editing process of my book with twice as vigor and studying Japanese is now a necessity which is not only rewarding in itself because i need it, but also because i can feel my brain changing as i learn a new language. It's almost like a high when you hear announcements, conversations and advertisements and understand bits and pieces. A whole world opens when you begin to understand. I hate playing the ' oddball ' role you know? I hate how some people relish in being different. Actually, if they like it good for them but i know that i'm different as i've been told my whole life and i hate it. If you want a piece of advice, don't try to be different. Be the same as everyone else so you can get a job and not feel ostracized by the world. Just be a normal person. It's really good for you.