Am i ever going to get a ' real ' job?

Ever since maybe 2013, i've been obsessed with the idea of a ' real ' job. A 'real' job is a job where you are paid for holidays, where you work 9 - 5, where you get the weekends off and you get a set salary that doesn't depend on anything else except you turning up to work Monday to Friday from 9 - 5. I've wanted a job like this since 2013 when i first moved out into my own apartment and craved the stability that comes with the white glare of offices and morning commutes. The types of people in my life ( writers, artists, musicians, creatives, drifters ) don't have real jobs, so to speak and don't really want one either. I know maybe two people in my life who have real jobs, but the fire inside me to get a real job has never stopped burning. It might sound odd to describe a desire for a job as ' fire burning '. Usually reserved for things such as romance affairs and crushes, my burning desire is simply for a job in my field that goes from Monday to Friday and where i don't need to make everyone like me in order to keep my job.

It may seem sad to you that i want one so badly but having a real job to me would really put my soul at ease. For one, I enjoy stability and i like having money. I can't ever imagine having a lifestyle where nothing is for certain and nothing is stable. I want things to be predictable and square not wild, free and unruly. In this sense, i am the complete opposite of the sorts of people that dominate my field. I am a square at heart. Unfortunately, the ' real ' jobs in my field are reserved for the wealthy and influential and not for the average girl like me. People like me in my field are not doomed but will probably be hanging onto the coat tails of hope for the rest of their lives. Sad to say the least. A real job means so much to me because it means being a ' normal ' person in society. As i wrote that out, i felt an ambivalent stir in me because i have always been against what's ' normal ' in life. I hated ' normal ' people who wore ' normal ' clothes and had ' normal ' hopes and dreams. But as i grow older, i realise that the more normal you are, the easier your life is. The more of an edge that you have to you, the harder it's going to be for you to fit into society. In order to make money, you need to fit into society unless you are a singer, actress or an entrepreneur in which case you need to make sure you never fit in. I'm not on the road to being famous so i need to make sure i'm as normal as possible.

The saddest thing about growing up is realising that your dreams are never going to come true. I've come to terms with this and i don't feel bitter or angry at people whose dreams are coming true anymore. That's just life and life is unfair. But if i'm never going to be Banana Yoshimoto, then i want a real job so i can be a real person in society. My dream is to have a job where i am happy to be there. Where i work 9-5, Monday to Friday and where i have a set salary no matter what. I'd pay my rent with that salary and still have enough left over to buy expensive groceries ;-) The rest is what i'd save because in my dream world, i don't have shopping urges. I save and am sensible and go to bed before midnight every day. My dreams used to reach to the stars but now i just crave normality and stability. However, the stability and normality that i crave are as high as the stars for me now. There's never a point where I look around and feel satisfied with what i already have. I've seen so many people on tv, on youtube, on the internet, in real life with jobs i'd love to have and they are so blasé about it.

I wish they just knew for a second how much i envied them because i tried to be where they are and i didn't get to. Sometimes i wonder just what is to blame. My useless degree? or my bad luck in life? It seems that people can do amazing things such as finish a degree and then jump into a job that's completely unrelated to their field. I just can't ever imagine something that great would be granted to me. People seem to just look into my face and want to say no. There's something about me that is just weird, odd, left of centre. People can tell and then they don't want me to be a part of their world. It's a tacit understanding i have with them. But i can't directly tell them i know. We both just know and that's what keeps me from being the normal person that i want to be.