Why I'm growing my hair long again

I made a decision to grow my hair long again just two weeks ago. It's time. For two reasons. One, for superficial reasons. I feel like i've conquered short hair and that I can truly do it and I want to try a new look, so to speak. The second reason is far more interesting. I don't want to look like the way that i am anymore. I want to get as far and as hard away from the image ( whatever image you have of me ) that people have of me as much as possible. I am not proud of my self deprecation or even loathing but there's truly a part of me that i hate more than anything and that's the image i give off of being this gloomy, sensitive, funny person. It's the core of who i am and i'm laying it out straight and honest, i hate that about myself.

You know who i wish i could be?
I wish i could be those light hearted, dumb, carefree girls on the beach laughing and swishing their hair around. That's the girl i want to be. Someone who's just constantly light, free and un-encumbered by the reality of life and all that is included in it. I feel like a heavy sack of sand and every grain is a resentment i have or have had with something in my life. How i envy people who don't realize that they are stupid or naive or completely disengaged from the world. Because i realize every second of who i am. I realize when i am good, bad, an idiot, a winner.. the one everyone wants to be... the one everyone hates. I'm acutely self aware to the point of pain because i never ever wanted to be that person who walked out of the toilet with toilet paper on their shoe. But if you walk all the way home with that toilet paper, take off your shoes and never realize it was there, then who gives a shit? You don't' know any better and you probably never will.

The loneliest feeling in the world is knowing things in private. Knowing things about yourself, about others, about something that nobody can ever know. When you are in your bed at night or even when you just wake up in the morning, all there is is you and that secret you can never share. That's the loneliest experience in the world and i have it every day. It makes me feel like some sort of sick pervert even though it has nothing to do with sex. It makes me feel like a creep, even though nobody knows what those thoughts are. It makes me feel like some kind of old man. Even though my skin is taut, my body without wrinkles and my face won't be aging for decades to come.

I'm growing my hair long to get away from who i am. I know I can't really do that and that i'll be who i am no matter what i do. But if i can't change who i am fundamentally, then i can change myself on the outside and maybe that might seep down into the fundamental side of me. Long hair is for young, carefree happy girls. A world away from my personality. But i want to be that. I want to be a young, carefree happy girl. Not this spinster-ish, old dame image that i have now.