Solitude

If there's one thing that i resent about my social persona, it's the fact that i never want the party to end. To be fair, this is true. Whenever i get together with people, i'm always the last one to leave. I try to make everyone stay by buying people drinks. Most people say yes but sometimes they are just too tired to take advantage of such a rare offer. It is rare you know. But there's another side to me that i don't think many people see at all because it's the side that i have when i am alone. I know we all have a side that no one knows about. A side that only we know about seeing as we are the only witness to that side of us. The private, solitudinal side. I guess everybody's private side is more or less the same. It's not really about what we do in private more so the fact of us actually DOING what we do in private. A social persona is something that takes us to places that our 'normal' selves probably wouldn't be able to. I try to control mine sometimes, but more often it's simply taking control of me.

The most solitudinal doings that are a part of my life are as follows :
- Moisturizing my hands before going to bed
- Early in the morning when i am drawing or making collages
- Drinking tea whilst watching a program on TV
- 2AM in my old bedroom at my parents house when everything is dead silent
- Journal writing time

As i grow older, solitude is like the time when things 'set'. I find solitude is when things really take hold mentally. Ideas about myself, other people, the world. All that fluffy philosophical stuff that i'll always really love. Lately, the morning has been my time of solitude. Nothing beats the serenity or the lighting of the morning. Everything about the morning to me is bliss. I'm trying to find a balance between alone time and social time now that i grow more and more social everyday. There's a difference between alone time and being alone though. All because one is alone doesn't mean that they are in ' alone time '. For me, alone time also means confrontation of some sort. A confrontation of your innermost goings on. It's in alone time that i always realise that i am a still a victim of people or events in the past, when i realise that the person that i purport to be may simply be a farce or a superficial sheath created out of a need to escape my true identity, or that i actually might be a little bit lonely.
They say that feelings are fleeting and transient. It seems to me that during alone time, the rubble of everyday thinking collects to a silt at the bottom of your mind and consciousness rises.