It's not that my life is too busy to blog anymore, i think it's because i am forgetting about the importance of it in a way because i am so preoccupied with other things. My motto in life is very cold at the moment : Make money or die.
I don't care how shallow that is, when you get out into the real world, you realise how important it is to be secure. It seems like i'm talking a lot about money at the moment. Well, yeah i am. I am obsessed with the concept of money. Because money is a concept, it's not just a thing it's an entire way of life. Money is your green card to EVERYTHING.
I'm looking for a full time contract/permanent part time job and let me tell you, it's a dummy's game. You know you can win, but it takes your arms and legs together to win and even when you win you end up losing because of all the catches they don't let you in on. But i want it anyway. I was really devo in the past couple of weeks but i'm spiriting up again. I'm really determined to make next year good. I want to live well, eat well, wear well, laugh well and be well in general. I'm leaving my apartment and heading South still. That's the nook of Melbourne for me. I just know it, no leaving the South for Yalei.
So what's been going on? Even i can't keep up with my own thoughts and ideas and desires. They are constantly evading me and it gets tiring. I seek solitude and stability, i envy people in their late 40's and 50's who can call this their life. My desire to move back home next year is ebbing away ( i knew it would, sort of ) and i really want a new apartment. I want a new apartment and i want a new dining table. I also want to get a new job and i want to impress my boss and be one of those high achievers you hate at work. I used to hate them too, until i realised i just wanted to be them.
This year's wrapping up and i'm eager, eager for it to. It wasn't a bad year, but it was a contrasting one. Half of it was brilliant and the other half saw me steep into some decline. But i feel myself making my own way up again.
I honestly believe that i've reached this level of independence and self sufficiency that means i'm truly going to be a loner for life. I'm the most alone person. As i said before in my previous entry, being alone is my expertise. If you guys have questions about it, just ask me. I literally will not be a bitch to you about it.
Anyway, i feel like i can't even take people into my life and hold them and be all warm because it just means making yourself too available and ' there ' for them. I know i sound so icy, but there's something so invincible about being able to do everything by yourself. You get addicted to it because it means there is nothing tying you down. I can't envision myself married with kids or a husband. I can't even envision myself saying yes to the most handsomest, successful boy if they wanted to be with me. That's how far it's gone. When you are ready to turn down top eschelons because you are so into your own eschelon. You-world.
One thing is definitely for sure, the spending has to stop. The only problem is, that i get physically and emotionally angry when i don't have money. I am reading " money " at the moment by Martin Amis and he sums the whole idea of money up so well.
Right now, i'm OK but i don't want to be OK i want to do so well financially that i can be stupid with money. I think that's just what i'm really addicted to. Impulse and excess and all that ostentatious bullshit that tasteful people pretend to hate but secretly love.
There's nothing more thrilling to me than buying everyone drinks, going shopping every week, buying new cushions, eating out, getting a monthly trim. Do you know what the only thing i can do is? Get real successful in the real world.
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Thanks so much for reading!