What did you think when you read that title? It's a pretty charged title. I feel like writing about everything that's happening in my mind at the moment right now. Two things for sure. One, it's hard to live without medication and two, more than anything i am seeking stability, security and peace in my life. In this past year, i've aged incredibly. Well, maybe mature is the more appropriate word. Whereas most of my friends and peers are still living the life that I'm supposed to lead, all i really want is a stable contract job and to be able to rent a small house to live in.
My life so far is about transition. I'm in a transition period of my life where i'm heading into a new place that's going to set itself comfortably into my habit and not go anywhere for a long time. I don't know if i could ever be a writer in a creative sense professionally. But as for writing for companies and using the written word as a means of making money commercially? I've got so much to offer and the next year is all about finding that job. They're out there, i've seen them all over the web. But it's a tough market, so i have to brace myself. I want to move out of my apartment so badly and take it easy at my parents home more than anything. This entire year has been good, but also tiring mentally and physically. Is this how adults live all the time? I feel like a large part of my anxiety this year came from the insecurity that casual jobs ultimately offer. You may be consistent for a couple of months, but you never know when it all comes toppling down. Which is the case for me at the moment. It's scary. I don't like it and i'm not afraid to admit that i'm not doing that crash hot right now.
I think i value stability and security above everything. That's why i need a steady income, steady energy, and steady motivation. I hate being taken by surprise... BY ANYTHING. Unless it's a nice surprise, but let's face it. Nice surprises never happen, really. I say it time and time again, but i literally feel like i'm about 45. I like having nice things, dining at nice restaurants, living in my own space and I hate anywhere crowded, noisy and loud. I like people who've worked out most of their problems with themselves and are comfortable and secure with who they are as people. You don't really get many of these types of people at my age. When i look back at my life, it's been so intense. Everything has been some big, massive, significant deal to me. I took it all in so heavily and sincerely. Now, i'm all about being distant and self sufficient and not letting anything get to me. As the years go, i just harden to rock. All the dreams of erstwhile times are fading away to be replaced by more simple desires. A quiet morning, good food, nice and bright new things and a good conversation with old friends. There are people that i know who are going to do amazing things with their lives and that person that i used to be would've been jealous. But i'm not anymore because that's what was supposed to happen to their lives. They are being lead by an invisible hand and they can't resist it. No resentment at all.
I'm sick of working for companies that don't care about me
I'm finding it easier to live without medication more and more each day
I know that there's only one person that can make anything happen and that's me
I don't care about what's cool anymore
All i want is peace and quiet and solitude
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Thanks so much for reading!