Written in the Genes?

Do you ever wonder why it's so hard to break habits? Not only physical habits such as smoking or spending but thinking habits. Attitudes and ways of thinking that you truly, truly believe in. To me, what i cannot quell is the voice inside my head that constantly feeds me negative criticism about myself. This is what makes me awkward around people, finding conversation difficult and at times, even stuttering. I have always been baffled by those people who direct conversations with such ease. I was so envious and to this day, despite the fact that I've improved immensely, their skill still secures my fascination.


I wonder often about how indented my attitudes about myself and life are. I'm at a breakthrough in my life where old attitudes about living and myself are changing. I'm less intense ( much to the disagreement of my friends ), less introspective and a lot less weird. But these habits of thinking are still a part of my everyday life, it's just i know how to ignore them better now. There's that saying that 10,000 repetitions make a truth. I can't speak from a scientific point of view, but from an artistic writerly point of view, i can concur the validity of that statement. The more you say something to yourself, the more you start to believe it.


However, there's another part that is required for new attitudes to become cemented. The right things in life have to happen too. This is the difficult part, how does one manifest the ' right ' situations for new attitudes to solidify? I feel that right situations happen once your new attitudes are in a deeper stage of consolidation. You create these new scenarios and situations through these new attitudes. When i was happy and positive all the time, i created scenarios that would've never happened if i were negative and a sad sack like how i used to be. I usually left those situations literally amazed at what i could be capable of achieving.

Another thing you need is genuine indifference to rejection or being owned. I've learnt that people who have this, can do ANYTHING. I think we stop ourselves from a lot because of fear of being hurt. And fair enough, it hurts when we lose. The more important thing to learn is to create some sort of bank where we can get to this place of indifference. I love indifference because it's so liberating. And the most bizarre thing is, when you are indifferent people become so dependent and needy of you. It's psychological and i can't explain it, but the less you care, the more people are in love with you.
It's a hard place to get to, but if you can you need to harness that moment as much as possible. I don't think true freedom comes very often in life. I'm truly envious of people who have that sort of freedom.