Yalei Wang

It's really hard for me to come here and write when i'm at my most vulnerable time. It's really hard admitting that and i know so many people who'd rather say nothing than admit that they are going through a hard time. I feel like I live in such a cold place sometimes, where people just don't admit, confess or open up about when they are going through a tough time because it will make them seem like a ' loser ' or something. Well, i'm not like that. I might be tough and cold on the outside but it's futile feigning like i'm some super bitch or something.

I'm going through a shit time at the moment.
I'm going through a super shit time but it's different to the other shit times that i've had in the past. This shit time, is different because it's like a low hum as opposed to the psycho dramas and crying that used to frequent my adolescence. This must be what a shit time is like for an adult. Where the lame-ness is spread out evenly across all days as opposed to one or two days here and there where your neurons feel like fire.
My shit time at the moment has to do with several things. Mainly though, i'm lacking motivation and that ambition that used to make my life exciting and worthwhile. I've never been one to shy away from ambition, people who have it are the people i respect and feel at one with most. But my ambition dwindled somewhere into the past along with Criterion and other big writerly dreams.
For a while, i was ok with receding into the background and being a nothing and not having big goals like i usually do. I even found comfort and solace in it. When you are ambitious, you are constantly 'on'. You are always charged, energetic, up for it. I was like this all the time. When i wasn't ambitious, i was chilled out, relaxed, to the side. I loved that as well, i've always wanted to be a wall-flower, believe it or not.

Now, i'm not so sure. The worst thing is, i'm not so sure whether i want to be an ambitious fire-cracker or a wall flower. So i exist in this bullshit limbo where i don't know which way to go, and it drives me absolutely bananas. Everyday is the same. Getting money, same route home, same route to work, shopping, looking at property i can't afford, wondering what to write next, not writing, procrastinating. I used to not be like this. I used to be energetic, happy, motivated and satisfied. I used to be like, " Let's go for it!". I wish someone would give me a break, because i have so much to offer the world and i'm really hard working when someone gives me a chance. But the sad fact is, that some of the most worthwhile people don't get cut a break. So where does this leave me now? I deem this a transition stage and it better fucking be one because i can't live my life like this. It's a lame, pathetic excuse for a life and there's only one person that can change it and that's me. But I can't even do that because i have no energy.
My personality has definitely evened out and i'm more of a temperate person now, but one thing will always be true. I'll always be one or the other. I'll never be a grey person.
If i'm down and out, i'm the saddest person alive, loser through and through. But when i win, i win the hardest and the fastest and with the most vigor. You can definitely quote me on that.